What if we danced on our own?
There is not much to be said when you are alone. There is not much to hear but the sound of your own thoughts. Not much to watch but the memories in your head. Not much to feel but the ghost of what was. When you are alone… the sun can either rise or stay down. You can either make a fire or find there is nothing to make a fire with.
I have been alone now for almost 4 months. I was with someone for 5 months. I held a hand for 5 months. I held a heart for 5 months. I made a smile for 5 months. And now, I walk alone. Now I hold a book. Now I smile for myself. I thought being with someone was a gift, I thought it was a privilege. Only now do I see, being with someone, anyone, it is terrifying. It is terrible. It is scary and not at all enjoyable. I was with someone. I had a person, a half, a personal hand-holder/therapist, and I let him go. I walked away. Not because I was going through some crisis, but because it was the right thing to do. I did it because deep down, beneath the guilt, and the pain, and the heart-wrenching love I felt, I knew, I needed to dance on my own. I needed to drop the hand, the heart, the hold, and stand in the middle of that floor by myself. I needed to feel the music in every pore of my being, in every corner of my soul… What I didn’t know is that letting go.. it’s not that simple. It isn’t as easy as letting go of a hand and dancing in the middle of that floor with my all by myself… Letting go , it takes pieces of you. It takes what we cannot give. It takes what we didn’t know we had. I am still letting go. I am still trying to get to the middle of that dance floor. And I will get there. I know I will. But it hurts. Each step hurts. Each breath hurts. Everything hurts. I always thought love was a gift, and it may be so for some, but I don’t think those people know about what happens when you try to do something in spite of love. I don’t think those people know about what happens when you stand up for yourself, I don’t think they know that love, whilst wondrous and happiness-inducing, is also harsh and cruel. Love, whilst wild and uncontrolled, is strict and deceiving. Love… is a thing that you can’t escape from. It is a thing that chases you. Even when you don’t want it to. So, I’ll make it to the middle of that dance floor, and ill dance my heart away, but I’ll do so being weary of love, I will do so making sure that whomsoever comes my way, will let me dance on my own and not have to hold my heart the whole way.
Would you believe it, it’s been 7 months now. I’m still kind of hurting. I’m still trying to reach that dance floor. I’m still picking up the pieces that I left behind of myself. I’m still growing. But I’m better now. I’m different. I think that’s a big part of it. A big part of this growing and changing. And I’m okay. I’m alive. I’m breathing. This time I picked the song. Maybe I’m still stuck in that crowd. Maybe I’m not in the middle of that floor yet. But I can hear the music. I can hear my pick. So yeah, I’m not perfect yet, but I’m okay. I’m happy. I’m dancing.