There comes a point in everyone’s life where they don’t know what they want. Where people stumble and fall and cry and change. Where people become the opposite of what they were. Where people are the same and yet different all at once. When you’re sitting there and you’re lost, it feels as if the whole world is going to cave in on you. It feels as if there’s no light. As if there’s no air. As if someone reached into your lungs and stopped every single breath you took. It’s scary. It’s a million things all at once. And throughout those million things, there’s only one person causing the fear, ourselves. You see, when you’re “lost” you’ve lost the three greatest things you ever learned in life, hope, faith, and love. The three pillars of what society leans upon. It’s wrong to ignore these things, yes it’s true, but the worst part about it, isn’t the fact that you ignore these things. It is the fact that when we ignore these things, we ignore what makes us human. We ignore what makes us, fundamentally, us. I know that I am a nobody right now. Right now what I know of life is close to nothing. But here’s what I think life is all about, I think it’s about this everlasting hope. This breathtaking type of hope that lifts you up and takes you home. I think it’s about faith. Faith in something bigger than just you. Faith in something bigger than us all. Faith in what we could be. Faith in what we have. I think it’s about love. Because, love? It doesn’t just happen. It takes time, it takes patience, it takes being lost, it takes needing a hug, it takes accepting that you’re wrong. It takes accepting that there’s another path. It takes seeing what others can’t. Overall, hope, faith, love, they all make us. They create us. They lead us when we have lost our way. They are our lighthouse in a vast ocean of confusion. They are our pillars in the largest fortress humanity has ever seen. They are our warm embrace and they are everything we will ever need. They are what we miss when we don’t know it. So yeah, what I know of life right now is nothing, but I’m learning. I am learning what will save me today, tomorrow, and every day. I am learning the three pillars of life. I am learning the three pillars of me.

I wrote down this entry almost 2 years ago, and yet I wrote nothing. I suppose that is the finality of time now isn’t it? To haunt in every corner, to tug at every smile, to drag the clouds across the sky. And yet, we put so much certainty into it. We put so much faith into something that is deemed as an illusion. We put faith in an inconvenience… I suppose that truly shows the type of society we are. I suppose it truly shows just what type of world we live in. One where people put faith in illusions, instead of God. One where people who can’t handle change crave it. One where those who deserve happiness don’t always get it. One where right is wrong and wrong is right. One where not much makes sense. One that feels doomed from the start. That’s where the story should end really… That’s where the horror of time should’ve done all that it could possibly do, but you see, that’s the thing about time, there’s too much of it, at times we simply don’t know what to do with it. That’s when it becomes painfully obvious: Time is not a death sentence, it is not a crime or a retort. Time is the flowing of history. Time is the stuff of our very stars. Time is where the broken pieces of our souls lie, simply waiting to be discovered. Time is where we find peace, and where we find clarity. Time, once our loss, proves in fact to be our gain. People forget that time, while cruel, is also our greatest friend, it stays with us, even when we see the end. It holds our hands in the moments we need it most, comes to comfort us just when it seems too close. It weeps for us and seeps into every corner of our lives, even whilst we sleep. So yes, we can hate time, we can loathe it with no avail, but why hate a thing that has not yet failed? Why hate a thing that has not yet gone and left a trail?

There’s this point in time where you just stop. Where the wind that’s rushing past you just keeps coming and it keeps moving and you just stand there. You just freeze. The air smells faintly of honeycomb. The grass beneath your feet is damp. Your hair is going everywhere. Your face starts to move and suddenly, you’re smiling. You’re laughing. You’re dancing. Suddenly, you can move again. Suddenly, every breath that you breathe is not just oxygen, is not just necessary, suddenly, every breath that you breathe, it’s like if you just needed one glass of water and this was it. Your heart is racing. It’s flying, it’s running, it’s chasing something. Something that you can’t see, but you know it’s there, and you’re just running. You’re running and you don’t know where to. And it hits you like an anvil on your chest. What am I running to? What am I running from? Suddenly, this weight it just gets heavier, its like you’re carrying the entire world with just your shoulders. Your tiny, tiny shoulders and you can’t bear it anymore and the world feels like its about to end and then — then it lifts. It lifts unexpectedly, unsurprisingly, and instantly, you expect someone, something, to come out of nowhere and just drop it on you all over again, but it doesn’t happen. The weight never drops. And so, you think about it, for a long while. You wonder and you ponder and you drive yourself crazy over it, until you get busy. Until you move on, and then instantly it’s like it never happened. It just disappears. It’s gone. You forget about it. You don’t even remember it happened. Then, you pass by a window sill of this little store in this little town. And you have no idea why, but there’s something pulling you, drawing you in, and you try to shake it off but you just can’t so you walk in, you glide in, and there it is. Sitting on display, as if it were a trophy, it’s your anvil. It’s the reason you couldn’t breathe. It’s the reason you were running. It’s everything you are, and everything you hoped to be. It’s something words cannot describe. Because this anvil that didn’t let you think, that didn’t let you sleep or eat or breathe… It was so much more than just an anvil. It was life and you just ran through it. You didn’t stop, you didn’t try, you just ignored it. You let life happen to you and you forgot to happen to life. I mean, think about this, you forgot to happen to life. So many of us do. So many of us forget to breathe the honeycomb, to smell the air, to breathe through the breathlessness. After you realize this, after the anvil hits you all over again, you feel something. Something that is like what you felt in the beginning, but so much better, and so different all at once. You don’t just feel the damp grass, you become it. You don’t just smell the honeycomb, you taste it. You don’t just stop you anymore, you stop everyone else too. But you don’t stop them in the normal way. You don’t stop them in the way that allows them to think. No, you stop them in the way where they just be. Where they just smile and laugh. Where they get to smirk and be breathless too. Where they get to see that the smell of honeycomb is just that sweet. You stop them in the way where they just happen to happen to life. You stop them in the way that everyone wishes to be stopped. Only then will it become obvious, life does not pass us by, time does not tick as fast as we believe it does, it is us that passes by life, it is us that ticks so relentlessly, it is us that forgets to help life live, instead of helping ourselves live life. 

“The unity of freedom has never relied on uniformity of opinion.” – John F. Kennedy

Many have doubted us. Many have looked upon us with scorn and thought us not only incapable, but invalid. They forgot who we were. Who we are. It seems that the past few years of disagreement and arguments have caused many to lose faith in us, but as I sit here in my window watching the fireworks erupt throughout the night sky I am reminded of a very important thing. We are all family here in America. We all salute the same flag. We all love in the same country. We all put our faith in the same land. Yes, we have grown. Yes, we have fought. Yes, we have torn one another down and hurt ourselves beyond belief and humanly comparison. But, we have also loved our neighbors. We have also stood up for peace. We have also fought for each other. We have also been brave and strong when it seemed we were weak and helpless. See that is the beautiful thing of this land. It does not matter how convoluted it may seem or become… At the end, it is the people within it that lead it to greatness. Whether it be a Hispanic old woman at a supermarket, or a young boy learning to rope a cow. We are all in the same America. We are all breathing the same air. And when we stand to sing that anthem and salute that flag we are one. We are not different races or religions. We are not different political parties or opinions. We are not Right or Left. We are family, we are hope, we are peace, we are happiness. We are the American Dream. Even if it’s a bit different than what it once was. For we are still the land of the free and the home of the brave. That will never change. That will never loop and erase. That fact is one we will proudly hold on to for the rest of our lives. So, here’s to you my beautiful America. May you thrive in this year and in many more to come.

This is me reminding you to stay idiosyncratic and make a change in the country we all adore so much.

Happy 4th of July everyone!🎆

Each person has a path. A purpose in this big old world. An answer to seek. A life worth searching for. And while we each have a path, We each have struggles. We each have aches and pains. We all think we understand. We all think that there is not much to be upset about. And yet, we find in the deepest confines of our souls something more than pain. We find strength and power, Smiles and joy, Love and happiness. We find that no matter how much pain, No matter how much darkness.. There will always be a light, Always another door at the end of a daunting hallway. There will always be hope. A fact that will never fade. Hope, as usual, though strong, hides in its façade of pain. It hides and it cowers, patiently in wait. Needing an answer to this unexplained terror. Because hope will never see How someone so strong, Could become so weak.

All in all, I believe hope to misunderstand us. I believe it to think us lost souls wandering the earth in search of purpose. But we are so much more. We are people of religion, people of patriotism and love. People that I believe are human, people that I believe are strong. People that I believe hope. People that I believe have loved and lost. People who have never loved at all. I believe in people having happily ever afters, I believe in people finding that prince charming. I believe in family and love. In happiness and joy.

I believe in us.

Before you waste your time on me… Let me tell you why I’m unworthy.  I’ve cheated and I’ve lied. I’ve manipulated many at a time.  I’ve seen the truth I’ve craved it. I lost it and forgave it, but it ran away again. It’s nowhere to be found.  So how can you trust me? Not when I’m this down, My mind has been put into perspective. I’ve seen your face and I’ve fallen so hard, that I must confess, That I can promise,  One day I will be at your side. One day I can promise that we will be, always. I can promise all of this, I just don’t know when it will happen. Whether in this life, or perhaps the next, But know I will always love you, until times’ end. I will try and try and try all over again.  I can promise you this, again and again and again…

“Stand by your man,” a phrase often repeated. A phrase Tammy Wynette so passionately told us. A phrase it seems she truly wanted us to listen to. And yet I wonder, did Tammy Wynette ever meet the men I have met? Did she ever meet the men of the 21st century and realize they weren’t men but in fact additions to a woman’s list of chores? It’s comical almost to truly think that women would stay at home while men would work. I mean, who knew men had brain cells? Okay, all joking aside, I truly do wonder what has happened to our generation. Men and women alike. Men used to be these incredible types of people. They used to be gentlemanly like, chivalrous, sweet, men used to be things we could count on to be a reality. A good girl was assured one. Now, I fear they are only things of fantasy, I fear listening to Elvis Costello is the closest I will ever come to even hearing a man speak, or rather in this case, sing! As for women, I’m kind of embarrassed of my fellow females. What have we become? We are honestly so terrible that men refuse to come near us. They’ve decided to go near each other instead. Why are we so fickle? We used to proudly bear the title of wife. Happily strut to be called glowing while pregnant. Shrug while waking up in the deepest darkest depths of the night hoping that that little screaming infant would fall asleep. What hopefully useless thoughts those are… As if the infant would ever sleep, a dream only movies could make come to life. And yet, as a woman, as a female, as a girl still dreaming, I would never want to lose those moments. I want to savor them. I want them to come so I can smile in the face of them. I want them to come so that I can see what being part of the female sex really means. Is that crazy? Is it crazy to want to marry a man? Is it crazy to hope that he would love me like a man in the 1900s would worship his wife? Is it crazy that I find those women to be the strongest types of women I’ve ever had the great fortune to witness? Is it crazy that I would give anything for one of those moments? The fact is I’m scared. I’m scared that by the time I go to fall in love, there will be no one worth falling for. I’m scared there will be no men left. I fear that at the end of this all that will be left are little boys who know nothing of life. I fear that there will be only little girls not knowing their paths. I fear that as women grow they will forget the basics of what being a girl entails. Already the sexes are confused. Already they feel unhappy and attempt to change themselves biologically. They are already uncoordinated. What will happen as time passes? What will they make of themselves then? I always believed us women would save the world. I always thought people would look to us for help, I fear I am mistaken. I fear instead of saving the world our weakness will instead shatter it. I fear so much. But perhaps, instead of fearing the inevitable, perhaps instead of even hoping, perhaps I should be the change I wish to see in the world. As this insane man once said, “Some are born great, some become great, and some, some have greatness thrust upon them.” Funny isn’t it? William Shakespeare, biggest drama king in the world, he said something so poetic, it just had to be true. He showed us that sometimes, the normal, the usual, the extraordinarily common,  sometimes those are the ones that have the power to channel the greatest of potentials. Sometimes, those are the ones in whom we have to place our hope. Sometimes what looks like a dead end, is simply  life pointing us in a whole new direction. 

So this is me, the girl known as ‘the idiosyncratic’ signing off. Til next time dear readers, and remember that what seems like the end, could only mean that there is an even better beginning on its way.