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What is Life?

In life, you learn things you didn’t before know possible. You learn things about people. About friends, about family, about yourself, but mostly you learn things about life itself. You learn that living is not planning each and every step. You learn that living is not walking around with no clue as to what life begins and ends with. You learn about how there is no answer to the simplest questions, and that there are bad people in the world. You learn that not everyone wears a smile, and not everyone deserves one. You learn about what’s called “truth”, and you learn about what are called “lies”. These two seem to be the only things that people question. The only thing they wonder about. There’s always all this talk about black and white and what is clear and what is vague, yet no one does anything about it. They do sit there though… They do watch as we cripple under what we think is living. Except the truth is that we never start living until we know what the word means. We never start living until we can fully understand that life has nothing to do with what the truth is or what lies are. Life only has to do with answers. Answers that we find by living. When we can see that, that is when we truly become who we are. That is when everything clicks. That is utopia. That is peace. And there will still be questions that make you lost. Questions that run loose through your head trying to make sense of what is not made to be made sense of, but that, that is also living. Not having answers, that is living. Because with these questions we become enticed to discover the core of what we want. With these questions we are left with no choice but to find what the answer is. The truth is that life is not life when you have your answers handed to you. The lie, is that living life will always be easy. Like I said, in life you learn things you didn’t before know possible. In life you learn how to live. 

“Who lies for you, lies against you” John Locke

Am I the only one who gave up on trust? I used to think it was so important, I used to give it so willingly. So easily. Now I fear that I’ll never give it fully to anyone ever again. Is that so terrible? Is that so wrong? From what I understand, what I am feeling is referred to as “broken.” The only problem with that is that it doesn’t matter how hard I try, the pieces will never fit back together correctly. A part of me wants to believe this is for the best, yet, I can’t help nut ask… Doesn’t it hurt? Doesn’t it sting? Don’t the memories of forgotten secret handshakes and broken promises ache? Don’t you ever get the creeping feeling that a piece of you is missing? Some will call it coincidence, others fate, but me… I call it pain. I call it betrayal. I call it losing a part of you that always seemed irreplaceable. I call it no more laughing in the middle of class at jokes that aren’t funny. I call it no more sign language that no one understands. I call it no more code names. I call it no more pinky promises. I call it loss. You see, people complain about losing a romantic soul-mate, but how about the soul-mate that is your maid-of-honor? Your best man? Nobody talks about losing them. Nobody talks about the emptiness that comes with it. The true loneliness of it. No one speaks of the racking sobs or the pains in their chests do they? The fact is, we never know what we have until we lose it. And so many of us think of that for love, but it’s more than that. It’s so much more. Especially when that person you forgot you had  turns around and chooses something, someone, somewhere, over you. It’s not easy. I don’t know that it ever has been, but perhaps that is the point. Perhaps the point is not to forgive and forget, but to love and treasure. 

Love ain’t Love

There was once a time where I would’ve described love as free. As happy. As everything that is the opposite of bad. But I was wrong. Truth be told, I usually am. Love is not that. It isn’t any of those things. Love is knowing all the risks and still be willing to take them. Love is selfish. And selfless. Love has layers to it. Layers of forgiveness, of pain, of loss, of gain. Layers that I don’t even have a name for. Love is something no one person can describe. It’s this thing that sneaks up on you. It’s this unnamable force that slowly, but surely, overcomes. It tugs at the corners of your mouth and leads to the unexpected. Love is your mother telling you you have terrible taste in music. Love is your dad telling you you’re wrong no matter how right you may be. Love is listening to nonsense but still listening because it’s coming from your best friend who happens to be your grandfather. Love is laughing with an old lady who happens to be your grandmother. Love is sitting on a porch swing by yourself watching the sunset. Love is knowing that you can go home. Love is this thing that doesn’t make sense. Love is knowing when to stand up and when to back down. Love is not being scared to say the truth. The fact is that love is too many things. It’s hard, but it’s never ugly. It’s never terrible and coarse. It is never abusive or a game. In love you never lose because if you lose you lose everything. In love there’s no blaming, there’s no fighting because, there’s no pride and ego. In love you find that there is a lot. There’s a million different reasons to give up, and yet, in love you will find that whether you love yourself or someone else, it will always end up working. If it’s love you will never doubt it. You will never get up and run away. If it’s love you’ll face it and find that you were wrong. Because when it is love it shows you not what you want to see, but what you need to see…

Memory Lane

When we’re young we learn our key lessons. We learn how to get through the days. We learn how to cope.  We learn the things that we will take with us throughout our whole journey. We go through moments that are hard. We go through moments that are beautiful. We go through the highest most amazing times in our lives and we go through a dark time where there are fake smiles and fake laughs. The one thing they all have in common is that they’re in the past. They’re all memories waiting to be made. They’re all part of the path we are taking. They are what we will look at in the future. They are what we remember. They are the reasons, they are the excuses, they are the things pushing us to tomorrow. They are the things that get us through the next sunset and sunrise. And those moments when we’re remembering, they’re so bittersweet. They provide so much hope, so much happiness, and yet a sorrow that that was who we used to be. That our thoughts could have been that naive. The moments we go through, they all make up this road. This path. This lane. A lane filled with tears. A lane filled with laughter. A lane filled with time. Time gained and time lost. A lane where our hearts lie, a lane where lies the truth of who we are. A lane that leads to whatever’s next. A lane that leads to whatever memory we relive. A memory lane. A memory lane of forgiveness and peace. A memory lane where there is no regret. A memory lane where the hypothetical has free roam. A memory lane where we could lie forever. A memory lane where we could face our fears. A memory lane where we find ourselves. Where we find our homes. A memory lane where we find the truth… In this lane lie the answers to our past and our future. In this lane lies who we were, who we are, and who we will be.

Our Path

I don’t know what I’m doing, perhaps none of us do. But the thing we all know to be true is that each pf us was born with purpose. Each of us was born to live, each of us had a story, a path that we could’ve chosen. A life we could have lived. Yet, we all chose this one. One on a world where there’s politics and pain truth and dishonesty, shine and rain. Where there is a UK and a USA, where we ran and where we stayed. A place of gossip, of only you. Of sensitivity and sickness. Poverty and wealth. Love and Hate. Peace and War. But we chose it. We were given a choice, follow the book or pave a path. We just paved ours with a wrecking ball. In doing so, some of us found ourselves, we found that perhaps wrecking balls were our things, while the others, we all knew that was wrong, that it was appealing, that it was our forbidden apple tree. Yet, we stayed silent. We sat back and watched. Because we believed their mistakes to not be our own. Because we failed to think together, we failed to be together yet unique, we thought that you could only have one or the other, we believed that that was truth. That that was the only truth. We gave no time for sympathy or hope, no time for benefit of the doubt, no time for I trust you now trust me. I can’t help but think that maybe this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. We keep mixing ourselves up, changing what does not need to be changed, changing what was never our right to. Changing what was given to us as a gift. We keep lying. We keep confusing our new generation. Keep giving them the wrong ideas. Still, a part of me can’t help but conclude that this is who we led ourselves to become, this is who we fail to change, how we fail to change within ourselves. Our path has never been easy, and we still fail to find our purpose, but we cannot continue to fall backwards in this way. We cannot continue to allow our lives to be manhandled, because although we chose this path we can still change the ships course, we can still keep looking for new turns. For better ones, because although we chose this path it was never truly ours. Now it can be. Now we can finally help put ourselves back on track, help each other become who we were meant to be. Now we can get our lives back.

Control… Control? Control.

Control brings chaos and pain, harmony and sympathy. Control weighs us down, almost as if there was a rather large anvil on your chest. Control comes in any shape or form. Control of oneself, of each other, of animals, of science, of space, of our brains, our books, and even of the world. Yet, there is a question to be answered, control, although usually accompanied by retaliation, is necessary? Control, although usually accompanied by loss, is wanted? Us homo-sapiens it seems, actually long for it. Long for no unique thought to pass our brains. We allow politicians and influencers to completely and totally manipulate us into believing that their thoughts were our own. That the deformities our society has created are the definition of unique, of being one- in- a- million. That is the difference. We believe our new world and the things it allows are unique, but the real true men and women of this world were never unique, oh no. They were idiosyncratic. They were intelligent and brave, gracious and had morals. Ethics. They were the true people of tomorrow and never today. They were the type of people who would remind us that the past is history, the future a mystery, and today a gift, called the present. So, change today while we can, they’d whisper. Be idiosyncratic… They’d shout…

FREEDOM.

The right to speak freely,

The right to walk where we want,

The right to protect ourselves as we ought.

These rights form part of our freedom.

They speak the truth with an undeniable presence.

These rights I know we will never overlook.

These rights that have fought for life.

These rights that are vital to ours.

Yet… We chose someone,

Someone so sickened and frail,

To do exactly as we fought to prevent.

We chose someone who will prohibit these rights for an indefinite amount of time.

These rights we claim we fought so hard to protect.

These rights we claim to be our lives.

What have we done with them?

Abuse and mistreat them.

Exclude and deceit them.

And all because we chose the most fallible of all lies,

We chose those most corrupted facts.

The ones we thought could make no aberration.

We chose the guise.

We chose the deception,

The distortion and fraud.

We fell for the sweet, sweet, vilification.

For the simple trick that has ended those before us.

We put too much faith,

In fake teeth and promises.

Too much faith in pondering the unknown.

Too much faith in unknown revelations and intelligible words.

Too much faith in the words we thought were safe.

So, where exactly does our freedom have room to breathe in this world we created?

The truth of the matter is,

That it doesn’t.

Sadly, it can’t breathe.

It can’t survive beneath the veil we live under.

Our freedom is fighting to survive.

To come through and stay in the stitchings of our lives.

Because even freedom knows…

Everyone lies.

Freedom confusingly accepts this and forgives us for it.

But this time we may have pushed too far.

We asked for what we got.

We pushed and pushed,

Until there was nothing left.

And so,

We may have thought we were doing the right thing,

But evidently,

We were wrong.

We did exactly as Denzel Washington warned us not to do.

We fell back,

Not forward.

And so,

When you ask me,

Where our freedom is now,

Think of our actions,

Our thoughts and pastimes,

And ask yourself,

Where is your freedom now?

And then I want you to ask yourself this…

Are you falling forward or back?

“It’s Hard to Wake Up from a Nightmare if You Aren’t Even Asleep.”

They creep up on you, tap into your fears. Take away everything you love. Wake-up! Wake-up you scream, but you can’t. All you see is pain and darkness, darkness you didn’t know existed. You finally wake-up, only to find you are alone. Your heart yearns for some warmth, that abyss was so cold, you need something warm you say again. Who can you call? Years of perfection left out friends, you didn’t have time for such delicacies. Then you realize, you never woke up. You’re still drowning. You made yourself this thing, you were quiet, scared, perfect, feared, ridiculed, put up on a pedestal you never asked for. Maybe I’ll wake up you think, am I awake? Can I wake up? What is real? What is not? How long will this last? Your perfection must have broken because in reply you hear, “As long as you make it, as long as you want it.” Get out of my head you want to scream, but you don’t, there’s something eerily familiar from this voice that comes from inside of you. It can’t be yours you think, but then from where do I know you you ask it. This time it takes longer to reply. Then it says, “I am something in between, I am neither friend, nor enemy, I do not know where I come from, so I don’t know how I know who you are. I can only promise that I tell the truth.” You feel that you need to believe it, and you wonder, why was I so afraid? This nightmare can’t be real you think, because this is too good to be true, then you come to realize, you make the fear, so you can take it away now. Nightmares are just in our heads, we make what we need in that moment. So, nightmares, they aren’t real. Our 21st century minds make them, so maybe we control our minds, and you can finally see what you were too blind to see before. Nightmares are our friends, we need them. They helped you realize that you can’t just hide yourself, they helped shape you. This nightmare has become your friend. Maybe you don’t want to wake up, because for once you actually have someone. They may not be real and you may not be able to see them, but this friend of yours is like a star, you may not always see them, but they’re always there. Finally, you can sleep with the nightmares, because they don’t scare you anymore. Because you both saw that without the other neither of you would be able to exist. So, yeah, it’s hard to wake up from a nightmare if you aren’t asleep, so stop trying to wake up, and start living.

The New Year and How to Survive it

Tenacity is the way you are retentive. Resilience is the way to live. These words have guided us as they guided people who have had to struggle throughout life. They were strong. They probably weren’t brilliant when they began, but as they grew wiser, they were the best of us all. Right now, we are nobodies on our way to becoming somebodies. We are going into this year head-first. And as of right now I can guarantee that none of us are brilliant, or brave, or strong, but now as we dive head-first into this new way of life we will become the best that we can be, we finally will be brave, and brilliant. We will learn that being brave means knowing all the risks and still be willing to take them. And now as I finish this speech, I encourage you all as well as myself, to not only smile, but to remember to laugh! As in the words of Julia Roberts, “Happiness isn’t happiness, unless there’s a violin playing goat.” Thank you, happy new year to all, and I hope there are many violin playing goats in your future. 

This is Me

Firstly, hi world..

It’s been a while.

I am the girl that was so naive she was even beautiful.

I was the girl who wanted to blend in, not out.

I was the girl who accepted the unaccepted truth.

I was rude and callous.

Mean and vicious.

Now I am still all of these things, but I am also more.

I am the girl who fights for what’s right and argues.

I am the girl who reads her comments and wonders how these people enjoy her writing.

I am the girl who is thankful.

I am the girl who tries.

I am the girl that has divorced parents.

I am the girl that grew up.

I learned and I loved.

I haven’t lost yet.

The day I do will be hard, but it was expected.

Because being perfect was never my idea of perfection.

Perfection, it includes loss.

And love.

And honesty.

I am most of these things.

This is a story about me.

For you to see, who it is, you read.